Tell me more, then listen deeply.

In my years coaching and consulting, one of the simplest yet profound strategies to employ and move from heated to personally responsible is to routinize these three words…tell me more.

Tell me more opens the gateway to curiosity and helps to quiet the part of the brain that triggers addicted to being right by spiking cortisol levels. Tell me more activates oxytocin; the bonding hormone. This enables us to connect and seek out new information using our executive brain.

Discovering new information enables us to become more familiar with one another; to find common ground, to see ourselves in that other person, to expand the conversational space and make room for the I inside the WE.

Join me in practicing these three words, then listen deeply. This can empower us to change our experiences and our world. We can begin to build more trust in a world that very much needs it.

Here are five top strategies used in my Courageous Leadership Coaching and Consulting platform to up level your conversations:

1. Check in with yourself – It’s often the case in hindsight of a heated conversation that we realize our strong reactions to the event weren’t rational. We allow someone or something, in that moment, to strip us of our power when there was seemingly little danger. When we take the time to check in with ourselves and curiously explore our inner landscape, we can become aware of the inner conflict fueling these strong reactions. In this space, we create a new choice point.

2. Practice slowing down to speed up – (credit to Rich Litvin) This enables us to regulate our cortisol especially in heated conversations, and when we do, there’s a bonus: we can help regulate others. When we slow down, it provides greater clarity and choice to respond rather than react. Win win outcomes are more likely and together we thrive.

3. Choose your words mindfully and align the energy of your tone – We’ve all experienced politely saying one thing while secretly meaning another. Our neural networks are extremely sensitive. When what we say doesn’t match how we feel, it creates distrust in others. Let’s go for win win where we use words that feel good and mean it.

4. Use the vitality scale – Use it to practice personal responsibility with our emotional state throughout the day. As we feel better, we think healthier thoughts for a healthier world.

5. Practice under-standing – Under standing is like stepping under another’s umbrella on a rainy day. We experience their perspective from under their reality. We gain new insight and exercise greater empathy. We build greater trust.